A Forgotten Past
by Bucken-Berry
Summary: Inspired by Padre Sandunguero. Who was Rafael Barba before he was the fierce ADA he is today?


A/N: I am Satan. Padre Sandunguero made me even worse. I have been destroying people's emotions on Twitter with sad headcanons inspired by the ep, and today I went ahead and decided to start writing them out. You will hate me for this fic. Just FYI.

This contains spoilers for the ep Padre Sandunguero. And also contains triggered content. Below I will list what both those things are, but if you want to be surprised by the fic, go ahead and skip to the line break.

The spoiler is specifically related to the implication that Rafael's father was abusive. This fic thus contains mentions of severe child abuse, in addition to bullying, so if that's a trigger for you, don't read this. I won't mind.

The rest of you, enjoy! Reviews are appreciated!

* * *

"It's not fair!" Rafael complained to Eddie and Alex, kicking a rock lying on the sidewalk. "Why do they always take _my _lunch money? Then I hafta tell mis padres why I'm still hungry, and then they yell at me." He kicked again, this time at an acorn. "'Why do you always upset them, Rafi?'" he said with a high voice to mock his mother's. "'Just learn to defend yourself, then they'll leave you alone. You're letting them walk all over you,'" he added, dropping his voice in imitation of his father's. Then he returned his voice to his own. "It's not fair."

Eddie sighed, shifting his backpack on his shoulders. "I dunno, Rafi. I'm trying to make 'em stop but…" He shrugged and then had to adjust the straps of his too-large backpack again. "But Alex and I promised we'd start bringing extra lunches from home to share with you, remember?"

Rafael smiled a little. While Kindergarten and first grade had been great thanks to Eddie and Alex, now the bullies were taking away his enjoyment of school.

Just a few days ago he had considered school his favorite place, his way of escaping his house, getting yelled at. His teachers heaped praise on him, telling him what a smart boy he was, while his parents never had a calm word for him.

But now he wasn't happy at school either. He didn't fit in anywhere.

He had nothing.

It was a miserable feeling, and even worse, he couldn't articulate it or make Eddie and Alex understand. They were both perfectly happy at home- and Alex was happy at Rafael's home as well. Rafael's situation was alien to them. Further, they couldn't understand liking school to begin with.

Finally they arrived to the part of the Projects they lived in. Eddie and Alex began walking inside.

But something, some instinct inside him that he couldn't understand, made him lag behind. He watched them turn around, and then return to walking after he gave them a slow nod.

He wasn't ready yet, wasn't ready to be scolded for losing his lunch money and getting his shirt dirty. Wasn't ready to feel worse than he already was. It was bad enough that the bullies were mocking his size at school; he wasn't ready to have his parents call him a weakling and an instigator too.

He spent an indeterminate time walking around the familiar building. He headed towards the small playground on the east end, but decided against playing there. Sliding and swinging were no fun without a friend to join him.

Instead he returned to the sidewalk and headed in a direction he rarely went. He watched the buildings beside him, trying to read the words announcing what they were.

Suddenly, about five blocks away from his home, he stopped as he heard a pitiful sound coming from the alley. He frowned, trying to guess what it was. It was some kind of animal, but what? A kitten? A puppy?

"Oh animaliiiiiito, where are youuu?" he called softly, stepping forward onto the dirtier ground. "You hurt, amigo?" He kept looking, taking slow and quiet steps. Sneaky, he thought, like a spy.

Finally he found the source of the noise: a small tuxedo kitten. If he were older, he would have been able to see the cat was only barely old enough to handle being separated from its mother. But all he could tell was that this kitten was small, and cute.

And nice. Because no sooner had he crouched down near it than there was a warm, furry head rubbing against his hand.

"Hi, kitty," Rafael whispered, stroking the fur with two fingers. "Where's your mama and papa?" He thought a minute. "Are they mean too?" Yes, he thought, that made perfect sense. The kitten was looking for a way to avoid going home, just like him. Nearly friendless at cat school and unloved at home.

"You're all alone, just like me," he declared, petting the cat's fur. "So we can be friends now." He looked at the cat's neck, seeing no collar. In movies, that always meant they could bring the animal home, but he knew no such thing could happen. His father yelled at him every time he asked for a pet.

"I guess you'll just have to stay at your home," he lamented, shifting to sit properly instead of kneeling. He leaned against the brick wall next to him. "But that's okay. Now you need a name." He puzzled over that for a while. He didn't know how to tell a boy cat from a girl cat so he was stuck on names. Finally, thinking of the black and white fur on the cat and what that reminded him of, he decided, "Penguin. That's your name." He petted one leg. "Here, Penguin!"

Penguin obeyed, crawling into his lap. He smiled, petting a patch of white fur. He heard a rumbling sound that he recognized as purring. "I wish I could purr for you too," he told Penguin. "I like you too. You're my friend now."

He pulled his backpack off his shoulders and opened it, pulling out his homework. "I'm 'sposed to draw my family, only I can't draw," he lamented and heaved a sigh. He held hid paper to the folder so he could write, then tried his best to make his scribbling resemble _something _besides… squiggles.

All the while, Penguin stayed pressed against him. And at that moment, finally, for the first time in his life, Rafael stopped feeling alone.

He rarely was truly alone in the literal sense of the word, of course. Seven year olds almost always had someone nearby.

But never before had he had a companion like this. One who- in his mind- understood both being bullied and having cruel, angry parents. In his mind, Penguin was nothing less than his kindred spirit, even if his age prevented him from knowing the exact term.

The bullies and his parents hated him. The teachers and other family members were okay, liking him but not having any significant bond with him. Alex and Eddie loved him but just didn't understand.

And then there was Penguin.

The feeling of unity lifted his spirits. He hummed quietly to himself as he worked on his paper, and even smiled, an activity that had been rare before, and in future would become even rarer with the exception of when he was with his alley cat.

Once he finished his project, he sighed, "Well, Penguin, I gotta go home. Or else my papa will get _really _scary, and I don't wanna get hit by him too. Hector was bad enough at lunch." He packed his things back into his bag. "But I'll see you tomorrow, okay amigo? You're my friend now so we'll play together lots." He stroked Penguin's fur for a few seconds longer before standing and beginning to walk to the sidewalk again.

Feeling something against his leg, he looked down and giggled. "No, Penguin, you gots to stay here. You hafta go back to your home." Nonetheless, he smiled at his small friend and admitted, "I don't wanna go either."

He kept walking, though, and in far too short a time was opening the door to his parents, greeted by an angry expression from both parents and a belt in his father's hands. "You're late," his mother scolded.

Hanging his head, he closed the door, dropped his backpack to the ground, and walked to his parents, the joy he had felt minutes earlier vanishing instantaneously.

The next day, he found Penguin in the same place as before, and sat with her again. Hugging her tighter than ever, feeling more of a connection with the small animal than he thought possible.

But this time, unlike the day before, he carried his backpack instead of wearing it, and diligently worked to prevent his back from touching the wall.

He didn't want to start bleeding again.


End file.
